


A Whole Human Partner

by IncurablePeppermint



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Gen, Misses Clause Challenge, New Baby, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 10:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17021394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncurablePeppermint/pseuds/IncurablePeppermint
Summary: Diane moves in with Princess Carolyn temporarily and Princess Carolyn talks about her new baby and how she plans to raise the spiked little snot.





	A Whole Human Partner

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Care](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Care/gifts).



“Listen, I promise I’ll get my own apartment... Again. As soon as I can. I just got backed up on rent because I forgot about long distance service prices while I was on vacation.”

“Diane, Diane. It’s not a problem. Todd has been staying on my couch for  _ months _ . I let him stay even though we had to go to HR about a  _ cheese stick _ . It’s totally fine to have you in here. Gives me another set of hands to take care of this little thing.” Princess Carolyn cooes at the porcupine in her arms, who in turn babbles happily but incoherently. “Between you and me, I’m afraid to leave her alone with Todd until she can hold her own head up. He means well but... Let’s just say he isn’t the sharpest claw in the paw. It’s like someone comes in and trims his whiskers every other hour.”

“Totally understand. You’d trust him to hunt down a dance crew composed entirely of ex-pro wrestlers but not to park your car.”

“Specific... But yes.” Princess Carolyn strolls over to the second couch that is now in her living room, the same cheap pull out that used to grace Diane’s shitty apartment, and holds her baby out. “Here, let’s see how you do. Careful though, she gets a bit prickly when other people hold her.”

Diane takes the swaddled bundle carefully. “Aw, I can’t imagine her being grumpy-” she cuts herself off by flinching, though she manages to keep her arms still so as to not jostle the baby. “Okay, you meant  _ physically _ . Forgot about the whole ‘porcupine’ thing.” Diane forces a smile onto her pained face. Princess Carolyn pets the baby’s cheek with her thumb. 

“Yeah, she’s a sweetie, but she knows how to defend herself against predators. The little ragamuffin is  _ built _ for Hollywoo.”

“So you’re going to train her to be an agent? Or, sorry. A manager?

“What? No. The only training I’m personally assuring she gets is self defense. Everything else  _ she _ chooses. I want her to be the first in my line to get full familial support for whatever it is she wants to pursue. Then little Ruthie can laud me as the first  _ great _ mom since the old country.”

“Ruthie?”

“Oh, forget that. Just someone I think about when I have a bad day.”

“Alright. Hey, I think her spines are going down.”

“Really?”

“Yes! Okay, no. I was just hoping if I told myself that out loud they would hurt less. It... Didn’t work.”

“We’ll get you set of those heavy duty gardening gloves before I leave you alone with the little snot.” Princess Carolyn sits next to Diane on the fold-out couch and takes her baby back into her arms. The spines on the baby’s back immediately fold down, letting Carolyn hold her without issue. “You’re a dangerous kid, huh? No one’s gonna kidnap you, it’d be too much of a hassle.”

“That’s certainly a way to look at it.”

“I gotta tell myself something to make up for all the clothes and bedsheets she’s gonna shred. Oof.”

Diane draws a breath in through her teeth. “That’s gonna _ suck _ . Shredded tops on top of ruined bloody pants after puberty.”

“Not to mention all the money the adoption agency scammed me out of. Worth every penny.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I compulsively take care of other people anyway and now I have my own spiky bundle to take care of all the time. I won’t waste my time on any more dead-end, awful projects like Philbert and Bojack. I want to use my time on myself and my daughter. Always productive, always moving forward.”

“That’s such an empowering way to think about single motherhood. Want to do an interview with me for Girl Croosh?”

“ _ Hell _ no. I’m keeping my baby as far from the spotlight as possible unless and until she decides she wants a chance at it.”

“Fair enough. I could do it anonymously, though, if you change your mind.”

“I’ll think about it, Nyugen. But don't push your luck while you’re crashing in my living room, huh?”

The door opens and Todd walks in, wheeling a white box on a dolly in front of him. “I got pointy-butt something!” 

Princess Carolyn sighs and eyes the box. “Is it something else with pointed edges?”

“No! I learned my lesson. Just because the baby is pointy doesn’t mean everything else should be.” He looks more proud than he should be for putting these facts together.

“Intended for ages three plus instead of newborns?”

“I don’t think so?”

“Alright. Diane, investigate for me.”

Diane gives a nod and heads over to the box and hunts for identifying markers. The product name and descriptors are all in a pastel mint that make it difficult to read. “Aquatic fun time baby support pillow activity pad set. Looks like it’s intended for newborns... And making your fish baby feel at home on land. Huh.”

“You know, that’s close enough. Thank you Todd.”

He gives a little bow. “You’re welcome.”

“Think you can assemble the thing?”

“Definitely. Maybe. Not without making it into a child-care robot.”

“I can put it together, Princess Carolyn. I had a lot of practice with make-at-home furniture for my apartment.”

“What a save. Thanks Diane.”

Todd helps her open up the box and Diane tries to spread all the pieces out to start putting things together, but it starts to get a bit tight in the living room. She ends up putting half of it on Todd’s couch, half on the coffee table, then sitting on the floor between the two to start assembling. Princess Carolyn watches this unfold and furrows her brow, thinking hard.

“I need a bigger apartment.”

“What? I mean, I’m sure it’ll be fine once I’m out of here, and I should be gone before she’s crawling around on her own, so.”

“Diane, I need you to listen to this with an open heart.”

“Okay, I’m listening.”

“You’re a mess and if you move back to your apartment you will be crashing on someone else’s couch in two months tops.”

“I’m... Glad we’re close enough that you feel you can be honest with me.”

“It doesn’t matter, cause you don’t need to be on your own. And Todd needs to stop sleeping on couches, he’s been doing it for so long I swear he’s turning into the Hunchback of Notre Lamb.”

“I am not! Or wait, maybe I am. My doctor said my neck had this thing wrong with it called ‘real fucked up’... Or was that my friend Antonia?”

“It doesn’t matter, what matters is this is a one person apartment and I’ve got two permanent house guests and a little bundle to take care of. I want something with less stairs and more bedrooms. And a back yard.”

“Oh! And a slide?”

“Yes, Todd, we can put a slide in the backyard, but I pick it out, not you.” Todd pumps his fist in the air. “The point is, I’m getting out of this cramped place and you’re both coming with me.”

“Do I get a say in this?”

“Do you want to move back to Glory Hole Heights and sleep surrounded by cockroach traps again?”

“That is a good point.”

“But yes, I suppose you don’t  _ have _ to agree.”

“But she  _ does _ have to agree! And we have to get a pet bull.”

“Todd we’re not getting a pet bull.”

“But between the four of us that’s all that’s keeping us from being a full-time larp of Bull House!”

“Todd, we’re not getting a bull. I’ll move in full time with the caveat that you have to not bring a bull in, ever.”

Princess Carolyn grins, looking like she caught a mouse. “Alright, so you’re both on board. Diane, once you’re done with that contraption I need you to start hunting for places within thirty miles of my office. After thirty try sixty. I need a single floor apartment or home rental, three plus bedrooms, and a large kitchen with a built in wine rack.”

“Uh, Okay. Yeah. I can do that.”

“Perfect. And Todd?”  
“Yes Ma’am.”

“I need you to help with packing.”

“But we don’t have a new place yet.”

“Can’t hurt to be prepared, now go out and grab us some totes, okay?”

“Can do!” 

Todd gives Princess Carolyn a salute and heads out the door after tripping over the half-finished Aquatic Activity Set.

“Sending him out now because you think it’ll take him that long to get back here with any totes?”

“Yep.”

“You’re _really_ used to living with him, huh? But are you sure this is such a good idea. I mean, you sound determined, but-”  
“Diane. I want to be a good role model for my little girl and I can’t keep up a high powered job without a partner to help watch her. Between the you and Todd you’re practically a whole human being. I need this. She needs this.”

“I’m going to ignore that insult and just say that you’re going to be a great role model, no matter who else lives with you.”

“Of course. Now finish the playset and look for an apartment, chop chop.”


End file.
